Staying in the Eye of the Storm

        The last you heard from me, I was struggling deeply with the loss of my partner. I took a couple months off from the blog so that I could heal properly. Well, today I have decided to share what I have learned from my journey, and, more importantly, how it can apply to the struggles you face in your life, as well. I will spare you the details about my specific stumbling blocks and, instead, try to keep it more general for you. And, as an aside, I do not claim this to be a set of guidelines for overcoming any obstacle. This is just what I have found to be helpful so far in my life.
        
          

The strongest storms that exist on our planet are, of course, hurricanes, and I have found that it helps to think of these monstrosities as an analogous guide for dealing with crises in your life. They often are unpredictable and can cause a great deal of physical and emotional damage. It seems that some people are given plenty of warning about their impending arrival while others who lie outside of the predicted path can suffer if the storm takes a turn. Yet, no matter how much you prepare for it, the truth remains that if you are present in the area when the storm makes landfall, you WILL feel its presence. Sometimes people choose to stay in the chaos because they have too many emotional ties with their home, friends and family while others are just too confident in themselves to allow a mere storm to change their lives. Nonetheless, the storm arrives and the damage is inflicted. The initial blow can leave you reeling, but there is a secret to a hurricane (aka a life crisis) that can be your saving grace. 
          
               At the center of each hurricane is an eye, or a region of relative calmness. For many, it is a dangerous moment of relief when guards are let down such that when the eye passes they are more susceptible to worst of the storm that follows it. However, the eye never disolves as long as the storm is intact. So, to return to the real point I'm trying to make, if you can find something that gives you that calmness in the midst of your storm then you are halfway to finding your ticket out of the suffering. As I mentioned, the eye keeps moving in a hurricane, and much the same way, the only way to maintain your peace of mind is to not stop to dwell on the past or to worry about the future. The only way you can truly make peace with the destruction around you is to keep moving forward and accepting the blows that life has given you. 
         
              The beautiful thing about staying in the eye is that, if you can keep yourself in this area of calmness for as long as possible, then the worst of the storm will have passed and you will be able to go back and collect the pieces of your life when the skies are clearer.
         
              Sometimes lives, jobs, homes, and love is lost during these "storms", and there will always be a scar on the land and in the minds of those affected by it. Yet, there is a beauty in the opportunity to build anew upon fresh ground using the lessons that you learned from your journey. Nothing will ever be the same, but maybe that's how it should be. We can't grow if we stop moving forward, and just remember that no storm lasts forever.

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It Takes an Army

          It's been a while since I last posted. I've been trying to find my "new normal," but to be honest, it's a difficult thing to do. After Jake's passing, I moved back to Tennessee and while it seemed like my only choice at the time, I can't help but regret my decision. It's not that I dislike Tennessee because, after all, it's where I was raised, but as much as I hate to say it, I've never felt comfortable here. The source of this discomfort is the topic of this post: bullying.

          Bullying, especially in school environments, is a problem that is the direct effect of our cultural climate in America. We have accepted the consensus that "survival of the fittest" is the philosophy by which we should live our lives, and I would not argue against this if we were a species that allowed our primal instincts to control our behavior. Unfortunately, there is a fatal flaw in this mentality, and it's the fact that we are a social species. We evolved an interdependence on our fellow man because that is what humans have always needed to survive. When capitalism emerged with such large success in the 19th century, independence and "boot-strap" philosophies began to permeate into every corner of our society. People began to be fooled into believing that relying on others was a weakness, but the only problem with this competitive spirit is that it leads to a lack of compassion.

 What happens when someone needs help?

        Now, for me, being bullied was an everyday thing, but then when I compare my experience to Jake's experience, there is a stark contrast. We both experienced social exclusion and loneliness when we were children, but why were our paths so different? For Jake, school was a battleground where he was an army of one with no weaponry while his opponents, his classmates, were numerous and armed with the most sophisticated weapons. It was a hopeless battle, and eventually he felt like there was no reason to continue the struggle, so he surrendered. When I met him, he didn't have a high school diploma and he had little confidence or knowledge in his own abilities, but the tragedy was that he had an incredibly curious disposition and an amazing ability to understand how things worked. His story was, like millions of other Americans, one of a talented individual who suffered his whole life because society failed to show him a helping hand and a pat on the back. I believe that he would still be here today if the trauma from the bullying he faced had never been allowed to go on for so long.
      For me, my salvation from this same fate most certainly came from the positive reinforcement that I received from the school, itself. I had teachers that cultivated my abilities and applauded my success. I suffered little by the time I reached high school because I would turn to my schoolwork as an escape from the isolation that I felt. Jake never had that because he felt unwanted at school.

What can we do about it? 

      It has been shown that bullying is greatly reduced in positive school environments.
What this means is that when teachers actively support positive student interactions through class participation, intervene in negative interactions, reward success, and generally take a more active approach to the learning environment, bullying and the impact that this bullying has on the victims is greatly reduced. This research implements a teaching approach that they call Tribes, and so far, schools that use this approach are showing vast improvements in their classroom climates. If you are a teacher or a parent, please take a look at the website that I linked to above and consider sharing it with school administrators. We have to stop being so passive in regards to the lives of the children in this country. Remember, children who are victimized become adults who are traumatized and we can prevent both of them if we just start showing a little more compassion.

It takes an army to win the war against bullying, and you can give someone a fighting chance, so do it.

In Memory of Jake,

and all of the victims of bullying.

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In loving memory....

       In the past, I have avoided posts about my personal life, but my heart is demanding relief. My partner, my best friend, and the physical embodiment of my love passed away on Februay 7th at the age of 28. His name was Jake and over the past 5 years (nearly a quarter of my life) we spent almost every moment together. Eventually it seemed like we were merely a single soul in a constant state of duality. We came to know ourselves through the ways in which we balanced each other out. Then, at what seemed like the height of our happiness, he began to suffer from digestive issues which only worsened with time. The tragedy was that he had no health insurance and in this country, general healthcare is a privilege that isn't awarded to the less fortunate. Apparently, you have to have a certain income level to be worthy of life? Anyway, we had to wait for his condition to become an "emergency" before seeking treatment via the ER.
     See, I created this blog as a form of therapy. If you have ever cared for a loved one who is suffering through illness then you understand the painful erosion of both of your spirits as the days turn to months. This blog allowed me to explore hopeful ideas so that I could then share that hope with Jake. Sometimes when life is drenched in chaos, the only thing that seems real is hope.
       I had just completed my degree in August of 2012 when he began to fall into a deep depression. I had to dedicate almost all of my time to being at home and by the time we went to the ER he had lost nearly 30 pounds.
       Skipping ahead, antibiotics seemed to dampen his stomach problems, but he developed a cough shortly after he had gotten home. At first, it seemed like a cold, but by the end of January the cough had become an "emergency." His breathing was shallow and he would get short of breath from walking. His health was greatly weakened from the year of suffering he had endured, and he had contracted an antibiotic-resistant pneumonia that is apparently specific to hospital environments. He passed away after 6 days in the hospital. 

        I stayed by his side the whole time, trying my hardest to keep him smiling and hopeful. Fate, though, is always blind to the efforts of man. He went to sleep believing that he would get better, but he didn't. And with his life, so went my heart. I guess you could say that I had lost my hope, but truthfully, I had lost my everything. I have spent this whole month in a confused state of shock and emotional upheaval. It was obvious to me that the thoughts in my head needed to free themselves.
     But Why? Well, when you lose your confidente there is a lot of dialogue that no longer has an outlet. Allowing that dialogue to rot in your mind is dangerous, and the one thing I need more than anything right now is a sense of hope. Since this is the one place where I could find hope for Jake's suffering, here I am searching for my own. So that is where I am now, but I will be posting more about this journey as I go. Maybe someone out there will read this and find their own hope in my story.

~In eternal, loving memory of Jacob Clay Renfrow (1984-2013) ~

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Please wait, the Revolution is Loading...

We are on the brink of a new cultural revolution, and it truly has the potential to change the very fabric of society, for better or worse. The facilitator of this change is social media, and while this prediction has been around for quite some time now, it's important that we know what we are getting ourselves into. There is no question that we, as socially motivated creatures, have an instinctual desire to be validated, to share our experiences, and to communicate our beliefs with one another. But now that we have established these complex and versatile social networks with which we satisfy these desires, the question is:

How can we maximize the potential for social media to improve society?

Undeniabley, social media provides us with some of the immediate, superficial satisfactions that we sometimes have difficulty finding in face-to-face interactions, but at what point do we have to start asking whether we are doing ourselves a disservice by not further exploring the collective benefits that this technology offers. For some perspective, consider these facts:

• Total time spent on social media in the U.S. across PCs and mobile devices increased 37 percent to 121 billion minutes in July 2012, compared to 88 billion in July 2011.
• 51% of people aged 25–34 used social networking in the office, more than any other age group.
• On average, 47% of social media users engage in social care behavior.
• One in six higher education students are enrolled in an online curriculum.
• A person's social media activity often can reveal signs of mental illness that might not necessarily have emerged in a session with a psychiatrist.
• People in Egypt (2011) used Facebook to organize meetings and communicate details of their political revolution.

These facts highlight one thing: social media is quickly becoming the only effective way for our global culture to organize itself and function. It started with young people watching funny videos on Youtube and listening to new music on Myspace, but it quickly changed into a resource for dating, a way to advertise products and run businesses, a more effective method for newsreporting, and, similar to what I'm doing right now, a new way to express personal ideas and have more people hear them. It has become the face of social democracy, and now it has become the face of mankind's future.

To be clear, there is work to be done now to ensure that we steer this revolution towards progress instead of regression. As an example, the LGBT community has been fighting for civil equality for decades, but recently they have celebrated an unexpected increase in public support. One theory I have about this success is that there was an increased presence of LGBT lifestyles in social media as compared to mainstream media because it is, by its nature, created by the people instead of for the majority. Surely, then, there is unrecognized potential for social media to facilitate human rights efforts.

Which brings me to my next point: overall political involvement has seen a marked increase in recent years, and I doubt that's because more people actually care. My theory here is that it's easier for the general public to digest serious information from social media because it mixes it with entertaining bits of mindlessness. I mean, how often could you watch a video of a kitten playing with a shoelace directly after reading a heavy article on foreign policy back when we got our kicks from reading the newspaper? Never.

While social media has enormous potential, it also has an evil dark side that is begging to be manipulated. Now, ideas are powerful, and that's especially true when there is limited access to alternative ideas. The problem with mainstream media is that it can pick and choose the content it provides and the way that it portrays that chosen information. This creates a bias and biases in public opinion become dangerous weapons against personal freedoms. It's the same danger that is found in corporate monopolies wherein one company, in the absence of competition, has the power to manipulate prices to increase their profit. In this case, ideas are the currency and our minds are what could become manipulted. The fear is that as these social networks become more powerful, there is a certain level of self-interest they begin to develop to maintain their power. Censorship becomes the enemy here, and this enemy is rapidly becoming the arch-nemesis of the social media revolution. It may appear as "promoted" stories or refusals to integrate their network into "sharing" apps, but censorship can appear in many ways.

Governments have two options when it comes to censorship:
Support it or Prohibit it and I think you can ascertain which option I support. It took public support to convince the US government to break apart the monopoly of the Bell Telephone Company in the late 1800's, and it's essential that we learn of the dangers of social media censorship now before we no longer have such easy access to this information.

Anyway, hopefully I have made a convincing argument that social media has the power to improve our future, and that it's equally important that we maintain the freedom to interact how we choose. The last thing that our culture needs is another method in which the "few" can manipulate the "many". Hopefully, when we can look back on our Facebook timelines, we will judge them as being primitive and undeveloped instead of as representing the peak of social media's potential. I don't know about you, but I truly hope its the latter because I know we can do better than some of the things that show up on my news feed !

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To Be Who We Once Were...

            Today, millions of people are tuning in to watch President Barack Obama’s second inauguration.  With so many eyes focused in on the core of our nation, it’s almost impossible not to feel a little proud to be American.  This is a pride that doesn’t come easily for a nation that is just struggling to walk again after the crippling effects that our over-confidence once had. Nonetheless, with the sun shining down on the bleached heart of democracy, it’s hard not to feel a little hopeful about the future. 

            The pressure on our leader and his family today must be crushing. His strength is our strength and the support that his family gives him equally as representative. Yet, the critical eye can’t help but notice the weary look in his eyes. Like the increased proportion of gray in his hair, it indicates to us that he too has suffered from the effects of the last four years. This is comforting to a nation of exhausted workers because the hope in all of our hearts is that today will serve as our re-ignition.

            After today, the torch of progress will be passed to the American people again. The question that should be on all of our minds is, “What can we do differently this time?”  Here are a few thoughts on the possible answer:

·      Much of the progress that has been made thus far has been measured with the sweat and tears of the employed, and while that must continue, there needs to be a larger focus on innovation and new ideas. The world is thirsty for fresh perspectives, and there are countless youth eager to provide them with just that.

·      The gap between the rich and the poor is larger than ever with the rich getting richer over the past four years while the proportion of Americans whom consider themselves to be poor is barely even hitting a plateau in growth. We can no longer afford to preserve their lifestyles while the majority of us are struggling to put food on our tables. More legislation has to be passed that supports those who cannot work and are suffering each day because of their misfortunes.

·      Healthcare must become more universal. I have seen first hand the prejudice that exists towards those without health insurance. We still have people that believe America has the best healthcare in the country while many of our fellow Americans are DENIED treatment because they don’t have enough money to afford insurance. This is barbaric. WAKE UP!!

·      And finally, we have to get a handle on gun control in the coming years. We have had far too many deaths recently resulting from our inaction on this issue. Regardless of what exactly changes, something HAS to happen soon.

  

            This all may seem like a lot to swallow, but I think that is the message of today’s inauguration: Our work has just begun. The take-away here, though, is that we are all in this together. From the richest to the poorest, the sickest to the healthiest, the oldest to the youngest, we all are Americans, and while the President represents our voice to the world, we all can and do make a difference in shaping that voice. Let’s be who we once were.

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The Dark Side of Ideas

    When we believe in an idea with enough intensity, often we develop a strong identification with that idea. An example of this phenomenon is evident when two people have been dating for a while. Usually both people will begin to lose their individual identities in social situations as they adopt a conjoined identity of "we." Their relationship is the idea in this scenario, and it's an idea with which they believe in enough to identify themselves.
    This is a phenomenon that has been studied for centuries and it's one of the major bases of social psychology and, more broadly, sociology. Every effective social movement in history was the result of enough people adopting an idea as their identity. When this happens, though, there is a certain amount of danger that arises too. This is easy to see in the relationship example. When abuse arises in a relationship, the victim of the abuse will often begin to feel guilty or somehow responsible for the abusive behavior of his/her partner because they are so accustomed to associating him/herself with their shared identity. He/she cannot appreciate the actual innocence of his/her seperate identity any longer, and the anxiety of losing part of his/her identity may outweigh the perceived benefit of being safely alone. This is one of the dangers associated with abandoning too much of your own identity in favor of the group's identity; you begin to forego your own well-being for the sustenance of the idea.
     The real issue here is:  

what happens when the leaders of the group become aware of these weaknesses in its members?  

There are two potential outcomes in this situation: the leaders can weaken the intensity of their ideology enough to allow for its members to appreciate their individuality OR (and this is more frequently the case) the group can manipulate these weaknesses towards selfish gain. Take, for example, political involvement in America. America functions under a bipartisan government so we have two main political parties with which politicians associate themselves with based on their ideologies. The problem, here, is that most politicians don't fit perfectly into either party, but luckily for them, there are enough people who identify themselves almost entirely with their political party that they will accept anyone that the party tells them is worthy of supporting. Politicians, to gain the political party's support, will manipulate information and carefully construct the presentation of themselves to the public until they are in office. Once they are in office, though, their actions may not seem as perfectly aligned to their parties ideologies. If enough politicians in the party can sneak these actions without public attention then the ideology of the group will eventually change, too, and this can sometimes be a good thing. But, it can be equally destructive. For instance, the Republican party passes legislation that favors the rich while the majority of its supporters are actually from the lower and middle classes, but this wasn't always the case. When Abraham Lincoln (a Republican) was in office, the party was known for its support of the working class and for its progressive ideology. Over time, though, this changed and the Republican party became the conservative party. 

      My argument here is that we all have to be more careful when we believe in something with enough fervor. While, on the one hand, we would do anything to make others believe in our cause, we have to ensure that we do not begin supporting things that we wouldn't have individually. It's vital that, sometimes, we take a critical look at the things that are being done in the name of our ideas. Just like the victim in the abusive relationship, we have to make sure that the things we believe in so strongly aren't hurting us as individuals.  

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